Hujambo!

Sometimes I’m amazed how much random stuff comes out of my mouth when I’m walking around Nairobi. I’m terrible at conversational Swahili, but it seems like I always have a quip ready to throw back at someone who shouts at me on the street. Here are some I’ve used recently:

• “Jina langu si John” (my name ain’t John) to the guy who yells, “Johnny!” (I never understood why they call white guys “John”… I heard it might be related to the British troops stationed here. Maybe John is a common name for a white guy?)
• “Hakuna jua” (there’s no sun) to the guy who asks if I wanna buy some sunglasses on an overcast day.
• “Nimeshaziona” (I’ve already seen ‘em) or “Niko nazo kwa nyumba” (I got those in the house) to the guy selling DVDs.
• “Huyu si bibi, ni dada” (she ain’t my girlfriend, she’s my sister) to the guy who asks if I wanna buy roses for the girl I’m walking with.
• “Mimi si mtalii” (I ain’t a tourist) to the guy who says, “Jambo“
• “Si endi mbali” (I ain’t going far) or “Nachukua route 11” (I’m taking route 11… legs) to the guy asking if I want a taxi.

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It’s something I’ve been battling with since I came to Kenya in 2007. This evening I was walking through Uthiru after work and some kids saw me and shouted, “Mzungu!” You’d think I’d be used it by now but alas, even after two years of living in Tala and hearing kids shout that and more at me every day as I walked the two kilometers to the market, it still bothers me. Plenty of well-meaning Kenyans have tried to explain to me that it just means “white person,” but I’m yet to be persuaded; a “mzungu” is a person who comes from the magical country of “zungu.” Huh?

You see, the rules of Swahili say that you prefix the name of a country with an “m” to denote a person who is a native of that country. For example, an “mkenya” is a person from Kenya. An “mtanzania” is a person from Tanzania. I don’t know what a person from America is, because I’ve only heard it like once. I think it’s something like “mamericano,” but that sounds like something you’d order at Starbucks and it’s irrelevant anyways. It’s irrelevant because even if they were yelling “American,” that doesn’t make any sense either. In what universe is it acceptable to yell someone’s country at them as a greeting? Besides, you don’t hear Kenyans yelling “Ugandan!” when a Ugandan dude walks by… they say, “Niaje?!” (what’s up?).

In Kenya, as long as you’re not black or Indian, you’re a mzungu… unless you are Filipino or Japanese (or anything else Asian which is NOT Chinese), in which case you are Jackie Chan and you know karate. Pole sana, guys (so sorry)!

You’d think knowing Kenya is in the midst of the long rains I’d carry my umbrella everywhere; alas, another day walking home in the rain without an umbrella. I did have a minor epiphany about umbrellas while sitting in the matatu on the way home, though. I had just run a kilometer through Uthiru to the bus stop in a thick drizzle, trying to get to a matatu before the rain picked up. By now it was raining properly, and some poor suckers who had reached their stops had no choice but to get out and face the elements. We even saw one jamaa (guy) slip and slide down a muddy slope, dropping all the fruits he was carrying. Pole sana (so sorry…).

Strangely there was no rain in Westi (Westlands, in sheng), which I assumed to be my good fortune. I alighted the matatu at ABC place (a few kilometers from my stop) to do some grocery shopping and then walk home, one of my weekly routines. By the time I was done it was raining again, go figure. My groceries and I set off on foot, in the rain. I just kept thinking how funny it must be to see a white guy walking in the dark, in the rain, without an umbrella.

Several people asked me, “Hauna mwavuli?” (you don’t have an umbrella?), and some others even laughed. Plenty of cars drove by and sprayed me, to which I said, “Wewe!” (you!) but thought, “Asshole!” It’s my fault, and I sealed my own fate when I looked out the window that morning at 7 am and, seeing a clear, blue sky, left without my umbrella.

Here’s a novel idea: it’s May, and there’s a high chance of it raining (regardless of the color of the sky in the morning), why don’t I carry my umbrella with me everywhere?

When I was preparing to come to Kenya in 2007 I bought a pocket guide to learn Swahili. I wasn’t too serious about practicing, but I do remember sitting on the beach a few times reading that book (I even made flash cards). I’ve gotten pretty good at Swahili over the last few years so I guess it wasn’t a complete waste of time, but there are a lot of phrases you learn when you’re first exposed to Swahili that aren’t really used much by Kenyans themselves.

For instance, there’s a dude at ILRI who always greets me in the morning by saying “Jambo.” Jambo is a polite way to say hi to someone in the sanifu/pure Swahili, but you’ll NEVER hear a Kenyan say it to another Kenyan. My friends always tell me I’m not Kenyan so I should get used to it, but it still gets to me. I always respond, “Poa” (cool), but I guess I haven’t convinced him I actually am cool yet. It’s just that jambo makes me feel like a tourist, an issue I’ve struggled with since I got here…

Another thing you’ll never hear, unless someone is talking about the Lion King, is hakuna matata (no problems); It’s much more common to hear “hakuna shida,” but it’s all the same I suppose…

Something is seriously wrong in Kenya. I rarely have problems with people over charging me or being abusive to me, but lately I’ve noticed that if I’m with black Kenyans those problems occur more often than when I’m by myself. A few examples…

There’s a great second-hand, open-air market just outside of Nairobi’s business district, Kikomba. You can get good shoes, shirts, bed sheets, pants, etc for really cheap in Gikosh! Remember the gay marriage hat I saw there one time? I spotted that when I was there with my Dutch friend Renske. I’ve been with all sorts of people, and the experience is always different:

• With white girl: People generally impressed by our Swahili; a man even told me, “Swahili yako imenibamba” (your Swahili made me happy, or “jazzed” him).
• With black girl: Someone yells, “Umeshika mzungu!” (you’ve “caught” a white guy) to my friend.
• With black guy: Someone asked him if he was my tour guide…

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