Hujambo!

There’s something with Mormons in Kenya that I haven’t quite figured out. I don’t know how big their following is in Kenya, but I always see them walking around Uthiru where I work. Maybe it’s an isolated thing… The funny thing isn’t the Mormons really, it’s the fact that there is always a balance between black dudes and white dudes; yesterday, after the drunkard on the bus incident, I saw four of them walking, two black and two white.

There’s no mistaking them, they wear the suit and tie just like the ones you see in the United States. My buddies and I always laugh because we wonder why they are always together like that. Is it because the black dudes are Kenyans and they can protect the white boys? Or is it because the Mormons wanna show everyone they’re “equal opportunity” employers? I’ll never know because that’s not really the kind of thing you can ask someone (but you can ask them how the heck Jesus visited America… look it up, I’m not joking).

If you’re privy to that info please give me the low down!

I was just riding the matatu to work when an mlevi (drunkard) got on the bus. As soon as he saw me he started shouting, “America!” and then something indistinguishable about Jesus. I don’t know if it was in English or Swahili because he was slurring. By now he had put his teddy bear in my lap (I know, what the hell?) and everyone on the bus was obviously staring at me. When I finally understood that he wanted me to say, “Amen” I just smiled and looked nervously around.

How can you out wit a charismatic drunk man with Jesus on his side? I admit I was at a loss for words… all I could come up with was, “I don’t say ‘Amen’.” I didn’t say it too loudly because I didn’t want to start a debate. I guess I shocked him but it didn’t matter because after a few seconds he went on shouting about America and Obama.

Since I moved into my new house last week I’ve been exploring cooking again. It’s been a few months since I cooked last, instead I’ve been opting to eat out or make simple things like toast with peanut butter. It was fine with me because I eat something healthy like yogurt with granola before work, then a good, hearty meal at ILRI’s cafeteria every day; meals at home were more of a casual “tide myself over until lunch tomorrow” thing. All other reasons aside, I guess it really boils down to not feeling “at home” in my old apartment. The stove was only 1/4 functional, the pots and pans were funny, the sink was dinky, and there were always people coming and going.
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Tactics for dealing with beggars range the ethical gamut. Certain kinds of people just fork over the cash at the first sight of a quivering lower lip. A handful of others like the silent treatment (easy but not immediately effective). In Bombay I noticed Indians would whack street kids with rolled up newspapers (a bit hardcore, but immediately effective). Luckily, I’m white and I live in Kenya, so I have plenty of opportunities to try various methods almost daily! Example, I felt terrible after this exchange with an eight year-old girl last week:

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I never liked using the “I’m gonna walk away” tactic when you’re haggling for prices. It seems so cheesy and fake. Can’t we just skip the pretense and talk serious business? You know, business where you name a fair price and I counter with another fair price? Maybe you give me a price which is so fair I just take it without any contention. I guess those days are over, or it’s just all about getting lucky and ripping people off these days. In any case, I’ve found the “walk away” is a relevant and useful tactic to use in small business transactions. This is especially true in situations when there is one consumer and many suppliers: getting a taxi.

For instance: I know the price of a taxi from Westlands (around the Mall or Sarit Center) to my house on Church Road should be around 200 Kenyan shillings (three US dollars?). They don’t know I know that, so they always inflate the price a few hundred shillings. Because I know the price is 200 I just walk away and all the other taxi drivers start yelling at me to get in theirs. Of course this maneuver scares the crap out of the original guy, who immediately comes running after me yelling, “Kuja twende!” (Come, we go!). I never meant to scare the guy out of a sale, I just figure that any of these guys can offer me the same product so why should I waste my time telling the guy, “Wee, si mbali. Church Road ni hapo tu!” (Man, it’s not far. Church Road is just there!).

This is even funnier because I hate taking taxis and I think haggling is ridiculous! Sometimes you just can’t avoid it, though, and I think I might actually be getting better at it!